youngish

I was thinking today about getting older and feeling younger. I have friends who seem older than I am, but are technically younger than me. And it's not like they don't have fun, or even that their kind of fun is older. I mean, I've had fun with them. We can have the same taste in fun. They're smart and are reasonably knowledgeable about life, as am I. But I can't help but feel like they're older than me.

So what part is really different? Is it that I'll be silly and sing to songs at restaurants/bars/in my car/just about anywhere- who am I kidding? That can't be it. It's not about being an idiot in public. Perhaps it's a feeling of maturity or appropriateness. I think I'm mature, but I don't always care about appropriate.

Well, here's a list of what I think might be possible answers:

1. Could be a matter of doing things that seem adultesque for an extended time. Getting married, having kids, buying the house or working god awful hours.
2. Maybe it's that they enjoy being adult like, feeling adultish. Maybe that's where they get their joy, instead of singing along to the kick ass song on the radio.
3. Or it could be they stop feeling like there's something new to learn, something new out there. The ritual or sameness is where the contentment is.
4. Or it might just be that they don't feel out on the edge of their lives to me anymore, or that they don't have to.

I know it sounds like feeling older is bad. And it's not. I guess I have a bias cause I don't really want to be adultish. It's not that I worry about getting older, I just worry about having different things be important to me or to choose to do other things that don't make me as happy.

Really, this is all probably a long way around the fact that I'm having a little bit of a umm response to my birthday a couple of months ago. Not a bad reaction, as in severe allergic reaction and must get a shot. But it was a little more startling than other birthdays.

And perhaps there's a small part of me that is jealous of these 'older' friends and wary about this entire process of getting older. Everyone makes decisions and compromises as time goes on. And I'm a little worried. Not about the decisions I've made so far- I honestly have no regrets and my life is so thoroughly wonderful. But the what if's have been creeping in lately and that irritates me. I hate what if's. And I hate that turning 35 has made them come around more. Bah.

This past birthday won't hit me as hard, tho, as my brother's next birthday. Holy cow, man, I should be asking you for advice. How are you dealing with getting so old? How did we get here so fast?